Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Emergency Room?


So a couple weeks ago I got a nasty case of food poisoning. Whatever the hell I ate, crawled up someone’s ass, then died, evolved into a bizarre parasite, crawled out of the ass, and jumped onto the Italian sausage that I ate at the basketball game. This was followed by me projectile vomiting a few hours later, and then viciously butt pissing for the next 36 hours. I knew whatever I had consumed was ridiculously foul, and I say this because I had not barfed in close to 15 years. In any case, over the next 24 hours, I managed to become severely dehydrated.  In fact, I became so dehydrated I made a visit to the emergency room.
First of all, why in the hell is it still called the emergency room? I’m not current with the statistics in 2012, but I do know the average time patients spent in emergency departments in 2009 was 4 hours and 7 minutes. Yes, I said 4 hours and 7 minutes. A person could watch four f*cking episodes of ER while waiting to be attended to in the emergency room. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t emergency mean a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action. I swear to God that was the definition the last time I checked.
In any case, I woke up in the middle of the night shaking violently, and two things immediately came to mind. “Quick, someone lube me I’m a human vibrator” and “Wow, my lips are sticking to my gums, I must be extremely dehydrated”. So I proceeded to get dressed as fast as one could while imitating a jack hammer, and then I quickly and recklessly drove to the emergency room. You might ask why I didn’t call the ambulance. I figured if a pizza can get to my house quicker than the ambulance, then hell, I’ll take my chances and drive my fucking self. Meanwhile, after running several lights while resembling a crack head with Parkinson’s disease, I arrived at the local hospital.
I slowly approached the reception desk wheezing, and shaking uncontrollably. There I was greeted by a gentleman who had the personality of a Basset Hound.

Receptionist: “Please sign in, and can you provide us with your insurance information”
Me: (Shaking) “S..su..sur..sure. Here’s m..m..my  ins..sura..insurance card. Do..y..yo..you have any i..ic..ice?”
Receptionist: “Excuse me, what was that again”
Me: “D..do you ha..hav..have a cup..o..of..ice?”
Receptionist: “Sir, I cannot understand you, you’re not speaking clearly.”

I wanted to say. “Will you understand this size 10 ½ shoe up in your ass?” However, he was right, I couldn’t say shit clearly. So I proceeded to stutter, and after about a minute of going back and forth…

Receptionist: “You want a cup of ice?”
Me: “Yes”
Receptionist: “Why”

Once again at this point, I wanted to say. “Who gives a fuck why?  Just get me the ice you ass clown”. Nevertheless, my newly acquired speech impediment was not allowing me to verbally attack anyone in an efficient manner.

Me: “I..I..I’m dehydrated!”
Receptionist: “Ohhh, I see. There’s an ice machine down the hallway, and I believe there are some paper cups there as well.”
Me: “Thanks”

I eventually made my way down the hallway where I managed to put some ice chips into a cup. During the hour long process of being admitted, I managed to suck down enough ice chips to settle down the shaking to where I could once again speak normally. Eventually I was attended to, and had my opportunity to explain to a doctor what was happening.
This is what I find bizarre about the emergency room. First, I waited hours NOT to be diagnosed, but in retrospect I had to explain to the doctors what the fuck was going on. Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t it be the other way around. Second, when does it truly become an emergency? In my mind violently shaking, not being able to speak, and needing two bags of fluids has to be pretty damn close. Especially when its 1am, and the hospital is fairly empty.  I guess I didn’t get the emergency room memo that states.

For immediate assistance two of the following are required:
1.       One must be holding a body part in their hand.
2.       One must be blue in color from lack of oxygen, if you’re African American that does not apply.
3.       If you’re pregnant, your placenta must be on our lobby floor, this applies only to females.
4.       You arrived in one of our ambulances.
5.       You’re the current U.S. President, this does not apply to former presidents.

Okay, I’m done :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hank "I'm Tanked" Williams

The beautiful thing about freedom of speech is every once in a while someone says something, and we all go “RUT RO” like our old friend Scooby Doo. What everyone needs to learn about freedom of speech is, once you’ve said something, you can’t un-say it. So was the case when Hank Williams compared our president to…drumroll please…Adolph Hitler! Hank Williams by all means is entitled to his opinion, and he’s entitled to express it. However, I gotta believe right now Hank Williams is, sitting on his couch, watching the news, recovering from his hangover, and thinking “FUCK”! Here’s what I think about the whole fiasco. First off,  I think Hank might have had a little buzz going, which is never a good idea when being interviewed. Do I think he meant what he said? Absolutely, because it’s obvious the man is passionate about his politics. However, I think he used a bad analogy, which is not uncommon when you’re buzzed and rambling in a incoherent manner. Some people might have thought the hosts on Fox and Friends would have chuckled or started doing the wave. Still reality is, very few want to co-sign themselves to words like that. This was never more apparent when ESPN released a statement expressing disappointment in William’s comments. The network even pulled Hank William’s intro “Are you Ready For Some Football” for one game, and said any further decision will be based on how contrite the singer-songwriter is in the immediate future.  If you haven’t seen the video I’ve embedded it for your viewing pleasure J Please leave comments and turn your friends, co-workers, and pets on to my blog. In conclusion, Hank Williams is still a great entertainer, but unfortunately a lot of people will judge him by this one incident. Personally, I’ll try and give him the benefit of the doubt since I’ve never met the man. Furthermore, he isn’t the first person to piss comical/dumb shit out of their mouths. I leave you with a few below ;)





“Predictions are difficult, especially about the future” (Famous baseball player Yogi Berra)



“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those files and death and stuff.” (Mariah Carey)



“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” (Brooke Shields)



“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe

– I believe what I believe is right” (Former President George Bush)



“I’m so smart now. Everyone is like “Take your top off.” Sorry, No! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid.” (Paris Hilton)



“There was a while when I was feeling like, 'Damn, if I'd just been born black, I would not have to go through all this.” (Eminem)



“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed up like black pimps.” (Tiger Woods)







Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Smartphones

By definition a smartphone is a cellular telephone with built-in applications and internet access. So why the name smartphone, instead of web phone? The way I see it, the phone can only be as smart as the person operating it. Put that phone in the hand of a person sporting a 23 IQ, and hocus pocus you've got a stupid phone. The smartphone is not holding conversations for me, driving my car, wiping my ass, making my meals, and most importantly, it's not telling me who to start in fantasy football this week. So explain to me why this phone is so brilliant. Yeah..Yeah..I know it keeps me touch with friends, gives me the latest news, and even has games for me to play. Nevertheless, my phone will be obsolete tomorrow, the battery just went dead, and it still drops my calls and says "searching for signal". What kinda horseshit is that, searching for signal! Is the cell tower frickin hiding, is the mother fucker Waldo! Everytime my phone does that I think to myself, is this phone fucking with me, does it purposely drop my call and giggle to itself. Come to think of it, maybe the tech companies should have named it a smartassphone.